Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Top Ten Tuesday: Funnies

I decided we all needed a laugh today, so I compiled 10 humorous stories that I’ve saved over the years. #forsuchatimeasthis Some are groaners...I apologize in advance.(These aren’t original with me, but I don’t know where they came from either, so hows that for giving credit where credit is due?) Here are 10 things to bring a smile and a groan to your lips:

1. The president said we need more products stamped “Made in America.” OK, letʼs get the Chinese to get a stamp that says “Made in America.”

2. Football is back, signals and all:  A three-year-old regularly watched football games with his father. So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes.  On a recent Sunday, the three-year-old attended church with the family. As the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"

3. My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.” Well, she didn't put it quite like that.. what she actually said was... "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."

4. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD- 40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If i t shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. At one point during a game, the baseball coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes.
Then he said, "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or cuss or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded, yes.
"Good," said the coach, "Now go over there and explain that to your mother."

8. Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

9. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

10. A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver : I don't have one. I had it suspended
when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver : It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver :  That's right. But come to
think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?  
Driver :  Yes sir. That's where I put it
after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
There's a BODY in the TRUNK?
Driver :  Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately
called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached
the driver to handle the tense situation......…
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver :  It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain:  Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver :  Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in
Driver : No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver : Yeah, I'll bet that lying turkey told you I was speeding, too

Hope those bring a smile to your face! :)

Last Top Ten: Pet peeves

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