Top Ten Tuesday: Funnies

I decided we all needed a laugh today, so I compiled 10 humorous stories that I’ve saved over the years. #forsuchatimeasthis Some are groaners...I apologize in advance.(These aren’t original with me, but I don’t know where they came from either, so hows that for giving credit where credit is due?) Here are 10 things to bring a smile and a groan to your lips:

1. The president said we need more products stamped “Made in America.” OK, letʼs get the Chinese to get a stamp that says “Made in America.”

2. Football is back, signals and all:  A three-year-old regularly watched football games with his father. So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes.  On a recent Sunday, the three-year-old attended church with the family. As the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"

3. My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.” Well, she didn't put it quite like that.. what she actually said was... "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."

4. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD- 40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If i t shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. At one point during a game, the baseball coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes.
Then he said, "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or cuss or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded, yes.
"Good," said the coach, "Now go over there and explain that to your mother."

8. Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

9. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

10. A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver : I don't have one. I had it suspended
when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver : It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver :  That's right. But come to
think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in
there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?  
Driver :  Yes sir. That's where I put it
after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer:
There's a BODY in the TRUNK?
Driver :  Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately
called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached
the driver to handle the tense situation......…
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver :  It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain:  Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver :  Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in
it.
Driver : No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver : Yeah, I'll bet that lying turkey told you I was speeding, too


Hope those bring a smile to your face! :)

Last Top Ten: Pet peeves

An Interestingly Minky Day!

Last Wednesday, we had an interesting day that involved a mink.

It all started when Mom came to my room saying, "There is a mink in the shed. I'm not sure what to do!"I armed myself with all the protective gear I could find (knowing how vicious these things are!) and headed out to see what I could do.

Sure enough, there she was, hiding out under some folding chairs.

I gingerly lifted the chairs out to be able to get at her better, (while sitting on top of the chest freezer...I didn't want to get bit, ok?) and then oh so gently started to prod her with a broom.

She hissed at it once, then proceeded it sniff it curiously, decide it wasn't dangerous, and curl up and go to sleep.

Yes, I was literally hitting her with the broom and she was doing this:

She would look up now and again as if to say, "Stupid humans! Can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

I'll spare you all the details, but she ended up behind the freezer (after me literally trying to pick her up with my shoe and boot her out the door...nothing doing, she did not want out) and I knew I only had one option. Pick.her.up.

So, I did.

You'll notice that I was prepared. My dad's heaviest winter coat and two pairs of thick gloves. (Two pair, because each glove had a hole in one finger or another) It wouldn't really have mattered...she didn't even flinch when I picked her up!

I carried her up the lane to an abandoned house behind us. I figured, if she was so dead set on finding a nice dry place to sleep, she could have free reign of an abandoned house. Sure enough, she ran right into the cellar entrance. Phew. What an intense couple of hours. Glad thats over with.

NOT!

A few hours later, she was back in our yard, rooting around as if she was a rabbit or the family dog or something. Here is a short video to show you how calm she really was. And yes, she was favoring one of her front paws.

A little while after I shot that video, she ran down the lane (while I was walking up it...that was freaky, it was like she was the family dog or something running out to greet me) and went to the neighbors. And we never saw her again after that. Here's hoping she found a nice home in minky heaven.

Hey, I can hope that, can't I? The reality is she'll probably be back!

What interesting thing has been going on in your life recently?

New Bank ATMs for Women and Men

I looked back through my archives and didn't see that I have ever shared this bit of humor with you. I really don't know why, because this is like my favorite joke of all time. It probably shouldn't be, seeings how I am female, but it is anyway. :) Enjoy!

A sign in the local Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are required to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."


MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required distance to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Come Check Out Our Facebook Page! (and a hysterical picture of my cat)

Did you know that A Living Sacrifice is on facebook now? We are! It has been a thought of mine for a while, and now it has finally happened! So far it has been another fun way to connect with all my blogging friends!

For those of you that aren't following the facebook page yet, I wanted to let you in on a little contest we're having over there! I took a really hysterical picture of my cat last week that cracks me up every time I look at it! I put a fun caption on the picture, but I am interested what you folks can come up with.

Go over to our page and check out the picture, then come up with your own creative caption for it! I'll pick the best one and let you know at the end of this week. I think there will be some good ones!

Get your thinking caps on! :)

Coffee Chats: All You Need Is Love

Hey, y'all! We may be girls, but we spent our college years as unpaid experts for our guy friends on what a girl likes and doesn't like. One of our victims friends:

Apparently our advice worked. :) We hate to have all that experience go to waste, so in honor of Valentines Day next week, we've come up with a few lists to help the singles guys find that perfect girl {and keep her}.

We've all heard them. But, guys, don't try these, ok? They won't get you a girl:

1. “Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?”

2. “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

3. “Do you have any raisins?” (No.) “How about a date?”

4. “I'm invisible.” (Really?) “Can you see me?” (Yeah!) “How about tomorrow night?”

5. “I'm sorry, I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”

6. “Do you have a map? Cause I got lost in your eyes.”

7. “I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away”

8. “Life without you would be like a broken pencil...pointless.”

9. “I lost my number, can I have yours?”

10. “Are you tired? 'Cause you've been running through my mind all day.”

The moment of truth. First date time. In case you need some help, here's a list of things not to say:

1.” Ummm...do you have any money?” (while out to eat)

2. “So about them Red Sox....”**

3. “Did you hear about Pluto?” (aka: really old news just to make conversation)

4. “Who are you voting for?”

5. Going on a rant about how much you hate cats. She probably owns one.

6. “So....how old are you?”

7. “You did something different to your hair. Or are those new glasses?”

8. “So about them Red Sox...”

9. “My ex-girlfriend never liked that. My ex-girlfriend played soccer. My ex-girlfriend was blond.”

10. Any sentence that includes the word "marriage." Period.

**We know someone who tried this one. They never got past the first date. 

Congratulations. You got past the bad pick-up lines and the first date, and you finally have a girl for Valentines Day. Now what are you going to get her? Steer clear of these:

1. A card that states your undying love and devotion and affection. Save those for later.

2. Flowers you picked from the side of the road.

3. A pineapple**

4. A book on dieting

5. Any book that ends with “...for dummies”.

6. Any type of kitchen/cleaning thing

7. Clothes

8. Make-up and a card that says: “If the barn needs painting, paint it.”

9. Dinner at McDonalds

10. Nothing!

**We actually know someone who got his girl a pineapple on their first date. And now they're married and have a baby girl. So this isn't a definite negative. It's actually a reference to the Psych pineapple that keeps reappearing. 'Cause we're both fans like that.

And now that you have a solid, steady relationship, maybe you need a few tips on giving a truly romantic gift. We're here to help:

1. Old love songs

2. Roses

3. Candles and/or fire in the fireplace

4. Complete and total surprise romantic get-away trip

5. Moonlight stroll

6. Love notes

7. Romantic movie

8. Doing the dishes, amen

9. Having real conversation face-to-face with no distractions

10. Sharing an ice cream sundae

Ok, ladies, it's your turn. What should we add to these lists?

Also, because they're just plain cute, check out these adorable Valentines Day cards from Etsy:

iPhone and On Button

Happy Valentines Day!

Disorder in the American Courts

I am not quite sure who I got these from, or who to give credit to, but they are too funny to not share. 

Have a fun-filled weekend!

==============

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

==============

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

==============

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

==============

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes. 

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 

WITNESS: I forget. 

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

==============

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? 

WITNESS: We both do. 

ATTORNEY: Voodoo? 

WITNESS: We do. 

ATTORNEY: You do? 

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

==============

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

==============

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? 

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

==============

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

 ===============

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes. 

ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 

WITNESS: None. 

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 

W ITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

 ===============

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 

WITNESS: By death. 

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 

WITNESS: Take a guess.

 ===============

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. 

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. 


===============

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

===============

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

================

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 

WITNESS: Oral.

 ===============

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

================



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No. 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 

WITNESS: No. 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
WITNESS: No. 

TTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

The Starbucks Songs

Here is a little humor for your Monday! I {heart} the first song, and then when I found the second one on Youtube, it made it all the more funny! You must watch the first one first, or you won't get the second one. Enjoy!

November 16th

Ode To The Flops

Oh flip flops, you've been wonderful. You've made these last 6 months complete.

Even when the weather is like this is November:

{today at 5:30 pm}

You've given me happy feet.


So long, my friend! That space between my toes will feel so empty now.
And because I have no more inspiration, I'll end this line with "cow."


Coming soon: "Welcome, Boots and Mittens!" A poem by Nicole.


(I'm being sarcastic, peeps...you knew that, right?)

From The Mouth Of An 8-Year-Old...

I posted last week about Carrie and her big birthday! Here is a sample of the wisdom, honesty and compassion that exudes from an 8-year-old. In the words of my mother (since this is the only time she'll ever blog anything)...

When we were filling out the paper work for our health insurance we had to put if the kids wanted to be organ donors.  Carrie asked what that meant and I said, "If you were to die and a little girl needed a new heart then she could have yours and live."  Carrie asked, "Since I have Jesus in my heart would she go to heaven too?"

What a sweet thought! Carrie has always been known for her  "one-liners" and for bringing a smile to our faces.  It is hard to believe that she is *already* 8 years old!

Do You Feel Like Garfield?

This Garfield comic was in my paper on Sunday...I'm hoping that this is not how you feel when you read my blog!! :)

Gotta love Garfield. Most of his comic strips are so true to life! Except for this one. This one is not true. Right? RIGHT?

Humor me.

New Englanders

***Here is a little humor for your day! If you are from New England, you know these are all totally true.


If your local Dairy queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you live in New England. (And its probably my grandparents, lol.)

If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.

 If “vacation” means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you live in New England.

If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England.

If you have switched from “heat” to A/C” in the same day and back again, you live in New England.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England.

If you install security light on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in New England.

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in New England.

If you design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in New England.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, and you’re going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in New England.

If you know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in New England.

If you have more miles on your snow blower then your car, you live in New England.

If you find 10 degrees  “a little chilly," you live in New England.

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all you New England friends and others, you live in New England.

True, much?!